The Lost Child
by hobbleit
Summary: Songfic. I feel like I'm drowning sometimes. When it all becomes too much and I feel like I can't breathe. I want to scream and shout and curse the world for being so unfair. Stug. Doug POV


__**A/N: Hello again, here's my second attempt at writing a Stug fic. Not sure how it's turned out, I hope you all like it. Just a little angsty story with a bit of fluffiness mixed in.**

**The lyrics are from _The Lost Child _by Anathema. It seemed appropriately sad yet hopeful.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hollyoaks or The Lost Child.**

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**The Lost Child**

**_I drift on a silent sea_**  
**_The cold night surrounds me_**  
**_Black ice forms beneath_**

**_The waves of a childhood dream_**  
**_A far light hypnotized_**  
**_A voice calls from paradise, paradise to hear_**

I feel like I'm drowning sometimes. When it all becomes too much and I feel like I can't breathe. I want to scream and shout and curse the world for being so unfair.

But I don't.

Instead I bury it all inside and hide it from everyone, even those who are closest to me so they can't see just how much I'm hurting. I can feel myself screaming inside to tell someone, anyone so that I don't have to feel so alone but I don't. I keep it to myself until it all becomes too much for me to handle.

_**My light is fading now**_  
_**My heart is breaking now**_  
_**My light is fading now**_  
_**My heart is breaking now**_

_**A child sings to me**_  
_**The mists rise blinding me**_  
_**I can't find a way out of here**_

_**And the sound of angel dreams**_  
_**The stars fall into the sea**_  
_**The ice breaks**_  
_**I'm pulled beneath, pulled beneath the waves**_

The last time I got like this I tried to kill myself. I found myself on a bridge and I jumped. But I felt like I had a second chance after that and I was determined to change things. I thought I was happy. I found Ste. We started a business and I fell in love. It was all going so perfectly.

But it couldn't last. When I close my eyes I can still see Lynsey lying there on the floor, dead. It's burned into my brain and I can't stop it. When they arrested Silas I thought it was all over but he escaped and he's out there somewhere and that terrifies me. He's already gone after Texas, maybe next time he'll kill here.

I can feel myself closing down sometimes and I don't mean to but it's the only way I can stop myself from completely breaking down. I don't know if anyone's noticed though. I try to act as normally as I can, get through each and every day as best as I can but sometimes I feel like I'm dying inside. I spend most of my days with Ste and I don't know if he's even noticed how much I am hurting inside. That's my fault, I know, because I should tell him how I feel but a part of me thinks that he should just know.

**My light is fading now**  
**My heart is breaking now**  
**My life is fading now**  
**My mind is drowning now**  
**But your hand reaches down**  
**To reach down and pull me out and**

**Save me**

It's quiet in the Deli this afternoon and I'm just sitting around staring into space. I don't have the energy to do anything, I feel so physically and emotionally exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well, I keep thinking about Lynsey and Silas and Texas until I look at the clock and I have to get up but I haven't had a wink of sleep.

I've been walking around in a daze all day, dropping things, getting orders wrong but when people have asked me what's wrong I just say I didn't sleep well and leave it at that. I don't tell them what I'm really feeling, that I feel like I'm about to burst.

Ste's been quiet too but he keeps looking at me like he's trying to figure out what's wrong with me. He looks at me with a worried look on his face, like he's just starting to notice that I'm really not okay.

I look up when I hear the soft thud of a mug being placed on the table beside him.

"I made you some coffee," he smiles at me and sits down next to me. "And this," he leans in and kisses me gently and even though I'm feeling the way I am I can't help but smile.

"What was that for?"

"Felt like it. And you've been sitting there for ages just starin' into space with this sad look on your face. Are you okay?"

He asked me if I was okay. He hasn't asked me before today. I sigh heavily and for a moment I wonder if I should just lie. I could tell him I'm okay so he doesn't have to worry about me.

"Not really," I reply before my brain can debate things anymore. I've been wanting someone, anyone, to notice for weeks now. It feels like a small weight has been lifted. I can feel tears welling up in my eyes and I wipe them away fiercely, not wanting to cry. I can't stop the wave of emotion from pouring out though and I let out a large sob.

I can feel Ste pull me into a tight hug and I bury my face into his shoulder. All the feelings I've been burying inside for the last few weeks and I cry until I just can't physically do it anymore. By the end I think I have run out of tears. We just sit there for what feels like hours, not even talking. But it feels okay. It feels comfortable, not like the tension of the past few weeks. I feel like I should say something, maybe apologise for my breakdown but no words come out of my mouth. I don't know what to say.

Ste speaks first. "You could have told me, y'know," he says. "You didn't have to go through this alone."

I pull away from him slightly and look into his eyes. "I know," I sigh, my voice is weak and it cracks from the crying. "I just didn't want to be a bother."

"You wouldn't," he tells me softly and strokes my hair. I feel calm now, calmer than I have done in a long time. It feels good knowing that there is someone who knows what I'm feeling and is there for me. "How long have you been feeling like this?" He asks.

"Since Lynsey," I manage to croak. Just thinking about her makes me want to cry again. "And now with Silas and Texas and I can't sleep I'm so worried."

"You can talk to me, anytime okay?" His voice is gentle and reassuring.

"I didn't even think you'd notice."

"I didn't at first, but today you've been a mess. I'm sorry I didn't see it."

"It's okay, a part of me didn't want you to know but I'm glad you do. It makes me feel a bit better."

"Next time you feel like this, just tell me okay? Don't let it build up."

"I will I promise," I tell him and he pulls me close again, kissing my temple. We fall once again into a comfortable silence and I close my eyes. For the first time in weeks I let myself relax and I don't let my thoughts bother me. I can feel myself falling asleep and I let myself because I feel safe in Ste's arms. For the first time I let myself believe that everything will be all right.

**_Save me… Save me… Save me…_**


End file.
